Saturday, February 13, 2010

I Don't Get It--February 13, 2010

Woke up at 9:00 A.M.  Not very motivated again.  And I was unbelievably tired.  Probably for good reason, though.  I could not fall asleep last night.  I just had SO much on my mind.  I just laid in bed thinking.

So I slept until 10:00 A.M.  Got out of bed at 10:10 A.M.

I hung out around the house for a couple of hours, mostly thinking some more.  I punched the numbers for what I would need to do to get that house.  It's all so dumb.  I would have to put 20% down.  As I see it, that's the only hope I have.  And the only way of doing that is to sell off my all-too-loved stocks (what I did not want to do) and push back the closing date.  What a mess.  Around noon, I went out to eat at Arby's on my way to the airport.  The entire sky was one huge mess of cloud.  I went through the all-too-familiar routine:  ask for the plane to be pulled out, pre-flight, hop in, start up, grab weather, grab clearance, taxi, take off, confirm the mess of cloud, turn around, call up Tower, land, get out, go home.  Sigh.

So that's just what I did.  The skies were bumpy again today...though not as bad as yesterday.  But it was still annoying.  Short, aggressive bursts of turbulence.  So annoying.  I flew nine miles out west, did a U-turn and came back in.  Winds were kicking out of 310 today...and I way overshot the runway on my turn from base to final.  These winds have absolutely kicked my butt the past couple of days.  But I brought it back in and did another cross-wind landing.  I landed on Runway 22, and the winds were out of 310 at 17.

I headed back to the house, but I realized I was locked out.  The front door was dead-bolted shut this morning, and I had NO idea where the key was, so I went out the garage.  I now had no way back in.  So I went out to Barnes and Noble to read a bit.  I bought a coffee and read more of the book I started yesterday (in the house).  I'm reading a biography about Howard Hughes.  What a messed-up, dirty, filthy-rich man.  It should be interesting to say the least.

I went back to my friend's house but was still locked out.  I assumed she was sleeping as it was only 4:00.  So I stayed in the car and called a couple of friends on my cell phone.  Well, around 4:30 I get a phone call from my friend asking if I was in the driveway.  Yes, yes!!!  Can ya let me in now?!  She had told me yesterday that she would like to wake up around 4 (yesterday) for a good day's rest.  I figured the same would be said for today.

"No, Andy, my neighbor just called me.  She said someone is in my driveway.  You need to leave."  Her voice was less than kind.  She was honestly mad!  Um, ok?  I asked if there was any way of getting in, and she said no.  I asked if she would be home, and she said no.  Sigh.  Ok.  I asked if I could come pick up a key, and she said she could give me the garage door opener.  But there was just something about this whole thing.  She had changed.  She was honestly not cool with me staying here.  What gives?

Well, I meet her on the street on the way to where she said she was at.  (???)  Anyway, we head to the hospital where she said to meet her (I followed her car), and she gives me the garage door opener.  I ask what had changed, and she cussed me out and said I was simply taking advantage of her.  You have GOT to be kidding me!!!  This is EXACTLY what I asked her about when I came!!!  I asked if she was OK with me staying here!!!  The first night she hugged me and said how much she missed me, and she was sooooo excited to go on another motorcycle ride.  She showed me how to use the washer and dryer, and she let me have full range of her house, even giving me a bed in my own room!  And now what?  Then she said it.  She said her boy (she refuses to call him a boyfriend) was not comfortable with me being there.  There it was.  I knew right then and there that I was screwed.  It was over.  I need to find a hotel.

I simply DO NOT understand women.  I am growing to hate them more and more.  And I hate that.  Man, I hate that.  But this was ridiculous.

But I needed answers.  This was NOT her talking...this was the boy.  I knew full-well that it was the boy.  She said she couldn't talk when she was mad.  I said she had to!  She wouldn't...she said she had to go.  I offered to walk and talk with her!  So we walked down the parking ramps to the floor of the hospital.  I was asking specifically what I needed to do make it so that I wasn't using her!  She had offered her house to me!  How was I using her when she had thrown out the invitation?!  I just didn't get it.  I said I was willing to clean, to cook, to do whatever.

That's when we walked in the doors of the hospital, and what a surprise we had there.  She was incredibly surprised to find her dad there, and without missing a beat, she said I needed to go and that we would talk about this later.  She was obviously embarassed to be walking in with a guy.  Um, talk about embarassing?!  How about looking at your "friend's" dad and being forced to walk away without saying anything?  That was what was awkward.  I literally had to turn around before I could say anything to him (he was several feet off).  She was more than obvious that she did not want me there.

I'm going to need to find a hotel.

Mom called me on the way home to ask about this guy who wants to rent a room from me.  She was asking about a stove, about painting the kitchen, about furniture.  I was so out of it...probably rude.  I was just lifeless.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not even sure I even have a house.  The only good thing I did was to ask when she would be making these changes...and it wasn't until the weekend of the closing.  I did NOT want her to be working on it before then.  It may not even be mine.  I just couldn't tell her.

I drove to her house and couldn't help but think about her neighbor watching me pull in the driveway, open up the door, and then disappear.  I wondered if she would call the cops.  I really did.  Bring it.

The rest of the night was dismal.  I watched the Olympics, dreamt about doing something worthwhile with my life, and just thought a lot.  I cleaned the toilets, made sure all of my stuff was in a small location, scrubbed the sink, swept a bathroom floor, and just thought about a lot.  A lot.

I called her to see if we could meet up for supper.  Or if she had time.  I asked her to call either way.  I never received an answer.  I called later when I knew she would be on her way to work.  No answer.  I am just done with people.  I have absolutely ZERO faith in people.  I see the worst all the time.  I am treated as if I don't exist.  To be honest, that is worse than being yelled at.  There is NOTHING more painful than to not even be acknowledged.  It is my deepest pain, and it is becoming more and more apparent every day.  Why do I meet these people?  Huh?  Why me?  I have a "friend" who won't even talk to me right now.  She wanted two weeks off.  Who does that?  Honestly, who does that?

I am just so very tired from this world.  So very, very tired.

So I dreamed about just throwing it all away.  Selling everything I owned and just working with someone who needs me.  Someone who is a castaway.  Street children in Mexico City.  Orphans in Romania.  The homeless in Haiti.  If I could just give someone else hope, I would be happy to be hopeless.  As long as someone else believed in good.  As long as someone else found a reason to live.

As it stands now, I am sleeping here.  I am more than positive that she would be angry if I left.  And yet she's not going to let me stay.  I just know it.  So very thoroughly confused.

I'm just ready for change.  And I'm ready to be known.  To be acknowledged.  I'm ready to be worth something.

I'm thinking about going to church tomorrow, but I'm so nervous about that.  I hate being the new guy.  So many questions, so many people, so little depth.  In and out.  I'm afraid of not being fulfilled.  That's the honest truth.

I set my alarm for 8:00 A.M.  I know I won't be taking any pictures tomorrow, but I only have one goal:  to talk to my friend.  I HAVE to know what's going through her head.  But I'm mainly packed.  I'm really thinking I am going to be homeless tomorrow.  I just have this hunch.  Now that the feelings have been thrown out there, I just don't feel welcome at all anymore.  At all.  It's all so very awkward now.

Went to bed at midnight.  I'm not looking forward to waking up.


  1. hi andy... i too want to be an aerial mapping pilot. i am quite impressed by your blog...
    i am currently in dallas,tx.... i have a current FAA CPL with ME/IR and 252 TT ,25 Multi.. You think you can help me out????

    and as far as your equation with your friend, hope for the best buddy, just do as she says for some time, let her feel from within that how wrong she was, to say of you using her.... Only when she feels it from within will she be able to confront her boy .... Hope for the best my friend, Life is Beautiful, feel good about yourself. And stay in touch with her more often...

    Your Follower
    Thankyou & Regards

  2. Saif,

    Thanks for the kind words. As far as a job in aviation, you just have to keep on pushing through. This industry is TOUGH. And right now, it's one of the most difficult times to be a pilot. You just have to send your resume out to ANYONE with an airplane. Aerial mapping is a good job for gaining experience, but it is also hard being away from friends and family. I live on the road, as you know from reading my blog. Build as many hours as you can, and always be willing to take a job if it involves flying! Sometimes you have to take a job that you don't like too much in order to pursue a bigger dream down the road!

    Thanks for reading, and let me know if you have any questions or if I can help out in any way! Thanks. Andy