Thursday, May 13, 2010

Everyone Has a Breaking Point--May 11, 2010

Today was my breaking point.  I've hit it a couple of times on the r0ad, and it never leads to anything good.  I suppose today was no exception.

Woke up at 9:00 A.M.  Went downstairs and grabbed some breakfast.  The weather was pretty crappy with VERY low overcast, so we couldn't even scout.  We would hop up in those clouds, and we would have ice form instantly.  Not a good combination when your plane can't handle ice.  I imagine I would die within 10 minutes?  What a thought!

So anyway, it was just a no-go.

Which was NOT good for the ol' mentality.  All of a sudden, I had an entire day to kill.  Hours upon hours.  No real friends in the area.  No real desire to do much.  A day in the hotel.  I spent much of it on the surprise there.  It's really become a "lifeline" for us pilots, though I am sure it probably kills us more than it enriches.  But it's a necessity.  I hate saying that, but I just feel like it is.  I'm not sure what I would do without it.

But even with it, you can only last so long.  And I made it until early afternoon.  Then I started going crazy.  The weather was absolutely horrendous, and it started raining lightly.  Snow was in the forecast, and it was just a matter of time before it came.

I went out to Quizno's for lunch, came back, hit the proverbial "wall," and started to go crazy.  The guys opted for their outlet:  alcohol.  Seeing as how I absolutely hate the thought of that, I declined.  I ended up heading out to Panera for supper and reading.  It was actually a joy.  I had started reading the biography of Howard Hughes some time ago (a Christmas present from my sister and her husband), and I was addicted to it for the longest time.  But the past month or so, I've probably only read a chapter or two.  Well, I jumped right back into it, and I loved it.  I hate admitting it, but I see so much of myself in this man.  A playboy (doesn't have to be sexual), a man with demons, a man intent on money, a man so lonely he pursues relationships he knows won't last because of his lack of commitment.  It's not a compliment by any means, and frankly, I feel nothing short of dishonorable in my admittance of my connection with him, but I just resonate with this man.  For worse, I think.

But even the reading only lasted so long.  I spent a little over an hour? there but then headed back for the hotel.  The guys finally came back up to the room around 10:00 after the bar closed down, but they kept drinking.  And they were drunk.  And I hate conversations with drunk people.  They were talking about the Aztec, quizzing each other, and I was trying to escape in my own world.  I found my outlet with people...albeit on the internet.  In a moment of sheer weakness, I posted an ad to hang out on craigslist.

Frankly, I only had four responses.  One from a horny chick in Japan who wanted to meet me in two weeks when she came to Denver, one from a pretty vague person, one from an obviously drunk woman, and one from a seemingly upstanding woman.  I ended up talking to the latter two.

The drunk woman was going to come down to meet me, but she never showed up.  I ended up calling her, and I convinced myself to hang out with her.  The other woman wanted to hang out tomorrow night.  So at 1:30 A.M. (yes, you read that correctly), I ended up taking the car for the 40-minute drive to meet this intriguing woman.  The weather outside was now terrible with snow everywhere.  I was one of only a few cars on the interstate, and I drove in the rigid 10-2 position the entire time.  There was slush and junk everywhere, and the snow was coming down heavily up north.  Well, I finally found her apartment, and I was absolutely stunned at the sight of her.  She was nothing short of gorgeous.  A mid-to-late 30's woman, skinny, tan, and beautiful.

And we hit it off.  She shared with me some interesting facts about her life...she's definitely a bruised and broken woman.  Yet she has this beauty about her.  Somewhere inside.  I would see it every now and again, but it was buried deep.  DEEP.  She is involved in the online cam industry...something that just tears her apart.  She hates everything about it, but it's easy money, and she thinks she is in need of that.  It was like watching a drug...she so desperately wants to quit the very thing that she keeps coming back to.  And so I was VERY cautious about how I treated her.  She just needed to know she was worth something.  That she IS worth something.  I wanted nothing more than to pay her bills as she looks for another job.  What would it take?  I asked her.  I literally asked her.  What would it take money-wise to get you out of this industry?  How much?  She says she makes $75-$200/day.  Not much at all.  I was devastated, and I don't think I'll ever forget this woman the rest of my life.  I'm just...torn.  I'm not even sure she WOULD get out if I offered.  But she is dead inside.  Just the way she holds her body, herself...she has nothing sacred.  Nothing WORTH anything to her.  It tore me apart.

So I just tried to build her up.  To treat her with respect.  Who knows what I did.  If anything.

I don't get how I meet these people.  I really don't.  I really think there is Something, Someone that puts me together with them.  For better, for worse.  But my life just absolutely intrigues me.

For better, for worse.

Ended up going to bed at 4:00 A.M.  NOT my type of sleep-pattern.  I'm probably going to be worthless tomorrow.

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