Monday, May 10, 2010

How to Make Two Women Cry in One Day--May 9, 2010

Woke up at 6:00.  NOT by my choosing.  She was up at the house, but I just wasn't ready.  So I tried to sleep some more.  But it was pretty fruitless.  What a CRAPPY night of sleep.  I mean, TERRIBLE.  I knew I was going to have to fly today, and I was pretty much nervous about that.  The entire night I kept thinking about how I needed to get sleep, and yet it was the one thing that alluded me.  One of my worst nights of sleep ever.

Tessa drove me over to the hotel at 7:15, and I grabbed some breakfast.  The skies were absolutely crystal clear, and the wind was calm.  Oh boy.  All I could think about was when the brick wall would hit me.  I was honestly feeling good.  But I just had a feeling...

I was at the airport at 8:00, and I was up in the sky shortly after that.  The restaurant was packed with families celebrating Mother's Day.  It's kind of crazy to be on the outside looking in.  Everyone was dressed up...playing their roles...and I was off to work.  I would probably rather not dwell on that too much.

I hit the skies, and it was absolutely PERFECT.  The air was gorgeous, and there was no turbulence!  It was easily the best day I've had in probably 3 1/2 weeks!  I mean, it was what flying SHOULD be!!!  I went to the flight plan I had started yesterday, and I started the lines.  And that's when it all started hitting me.  I was OUT of it.  I mean, I was struggling.  In no way did I want to fall asleep (instant death), but it was hard.  I found myself ALWAYS moving the yoke...not necessarily consciously, but it was certainly apparent.  I think I was trying to keep moving so as to avoid falling asleep.  Any long, continuous, smooth movement of anything was dangerous.  So there I flew, always moving the yoke back and forth, back and forth, even while flying straight and level.  It was almost...eery.

The guys had gone up to the mountains, and they were complaining about the nasty turbulence and winds up there.  I can't really describe how I felt.  I was so nervous about having a full day...I really was.  I was in no healthy position to fly.  I was soooooooooooooooooo tired.  And so hearing them mention that they were going to be done shortly, I just...well, it felt great.  I was ecstatic.  I was completely in the smooth, though, so I kept on my flight plan...but I only had 10 lines to do total.  I flew the lines, finished the project, and headed back.  I actually wanted to stay out longer because it was so nice!!!  But I had nowhere to go.

I had logged just 1.5 hours.  Funny how that works.  The smooth days give us the least flying.  Not fair.

I headed back to Centennial and learned that I would be training Kenton in the Aztec.  I was a bit disappointed with that, but at the same time, I was eager to get him in the airplane...AND have a smooth day to do it.  So I did it as soon as I landed...although I was unbelievably tired.  We went up, and I had my first multi-engine training lesson (outside of the MEI check-ride!).  It was pretty's nice to be the "go-to" guy for something.  We did normal take-offs and landings, then a single-engine landing, then did some simple flight maneuvers, then came back in for another single-engine landing.  At one point, he actually banked the plane pretty hard to get to the runway with the outside engine operating AND let the plane skid way out.  I got on him quick to get that ball back over, but it was a bit hairy.  Things happen so fast in a twin!!!  All in all, though, he did fairly well...just like me in my first days of training.  WAY slow on the emergency procedures.  It was eye-opening to see just how rusty we get flying one simple single-engine airplane.  We flew another 1.3 hours.  So I had 2.8 on the day.

We went out to grab some BBQ for lunch, then came back to the hotel.  I was SO tired, so I went down for a nap at 1:15.  I set my alarm for 3:30.  And I was out the whole time.  It felt good, BUT I felt terrible when I woke up...exactly like I feel after drinking copious amounts of coffee!!!  I was just blah.  But I sent a text to Tessa, and she ended up callin' me back as I was talking to Jenn back home.

I was so excited to hang out with Tessa again we had talked about this morning.  Well, I just never saw it coming.  She said hey, asked what I was doing, then said she had to tell me something.  More or less, she said there was a guy from her past that texted her yesterday, and she wanted to see where that would go.  I told her to be blunt.  Are we done?  She said yes.  I was seriously speechless.  Just no words.  So much so that she asked me to say something.  But I had nothing.  I said, "I hope he's good."  That's all I could get out.  I was floored.  Just sick.  Like seriously gross inside.  The air had been taken out of me.  The life had been taken out of me.  It was over and done.  Just like that.  She said she had cried the whole day in thinking about me, because she liked me so much.  I just didn't understand.  I said I didn't get it...she liked me so much that she didn't want to hang out anymore.  She likes me so much that she's choosing another guy.

I said I had to go.  8 minutes.  That's all it took.  My day changed in just 8 short minutes.  I was just devastated.

I just lay there in bed for awhile, but I had so much energy that I went out for a run.  I had to do something.  I just had to.

I came back and found the guys in the bar, so I came in and sat to a gorgeous woman nonetheless.  We exchanged some banter, and then about 10 minutes later, I said something, and she said, "No wonder you don't have a wedding ring on your finger."  Oh man.  NOT a good time, lady.  NOT a good time.  I think she saw my face change, my demeanor change.  She tried to talk to me after that, but I wasn't havin' it.  I was...I was staring off into space.  I have heard that so many times in my life, and after just being dropped for being too nice of a guy, well...I was just rubbed raw.  I couldn't even stay around.  So I left to go get some food.  I just had to get away from her.

I went out to Panera and called Jenn on the way.  I told her I hated women, and she begged to know why.  I didn't feel like getting into it, but she kept on insisting.  I said I didn't want to!  Well, she took personal offense at it all, and she asked if it was because of women out here.  I said yep.  She inferred it meant I had been going on several dates with numerous women, and she was devastated.  It was pretty tense, and I said I didn't even know one of the women's name!  But the conversation was over.  I said I was off to eat.  She was completely and totally devastated.

I ate, thought it over quite a bit, and realized I didn't want to leave Jenn in such a wrongly-assumed state of mind.  So I called her up and just told her everything.  Well, that didn't go over so well, either.  She was just shocked and heart-broken that I had been going out with women.  I mean, she was just heart-broken.  I told her I had been honest with her the entire time, but she said she wasn't considering ANY other options for long-term besides me.  I said I felt like that assumed we were a couple...something I had said was not the case all along!  I said we were going to be friends to start out, best friends, and then go from there!  I asked her if she viewed us a couple.  But it was pretty much over.  She was so hurt.  So devastated.  She said that the last two months of smiling was just taken away from two women she didn't even know.  And she started crying and quickly said she had to go.

I suck at life.  I mean...I really do.  How is this even possible?

I headed back to the bar and hung out there for the next couple of hours.  The woman was actually pretty neat.  She was gorgeous, filthy rich, and faithful to her husband.  We all talked about women, guys, sex, money, life, etc.  But I just loved the time with her.  And as good as it was, I was just devastated myself.  I always want what I can't have.  Here was a GORGEOUS woman, well-off.  Seriously, she was just so attractive.  She and her husband had an airplane (why she was here), a huge house, another house, toys, and on and on and on.  She admitted she was probably greedy, and that's what led to her first divorce.  But there was just so much that was appealing about her.

So much that is appealing about that lifestyle.  I don't know.  I am terrified.  I just said "no" to my boss for an opportunity that would make me rich.  Probably able to retire at age 30.  Because I want to be happy.  I want to NOT chase money.  I know of its dangers.  But here, tonight, it just all sounded so good.  I watch all of these guys come in to the restaurant with their trophy wives.  It's an upper-scale restaurant, and I see them cycle in.  I know somewhere deep down that they can't all be happy, but I am seeing a connection and good looks go hand-in-hand.  I want a hot wife.  I want a trophy wife.  And it's like I have to be rich in order to have that.  And I hate that.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.

But what do I do?

I really, really enjoyed talking to this woman.  She was...beautiful.  Her cooking, her love for her kids, her conversation!  What to do, what to do.  I never thought it would happen, but I thought about pursuing the opportunity with this company.  I don't want to be like that.  I don't want to be greedy.

But I do want a hot wife.

What a day.  I'm terrible at this whole thing.  And although she gave me a bit of hope tonight, I can't help but think of the two women I made cry today.  One for being too good, and another one for not being sold on the idea of jumping into a ready-made family.  Why can't I have a God-fearing, hot woman like me?  Where are they?

I am so jaded that I honestly don't believe she exists.  I mean, I DO believe she exists.  But just not for me.  I've learned that I'm too weird.  Too different.  You know...not leaving any surprise to people as to why I'm single.

It sucks.

Went to bed at 1:00 A.M.  The weather tomorrow isn't lookin' too good.  Fog until 10:00 A.M., then low clouds after that.  I'm kind of excited about that!  And the rest of the weeks looks kind of crummy, too!  Rain, rain, rain!  But I did surpass the 200-hour multi-engine mark today.  I hope that means something.  I just don't know if it does or not.

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